The Silent Room

It’s been a few weeks since the previous semester ended. Or rather, the previous academic year. After being freed from assignments, I finally had time for myself to do the things I like. Well, for the most part, I’ve been resting, doing some reading and eh, counting my blessings, I suppose.

Well, a couple of good things happened, recently.

My sister upgraded the Streamyx package at home, and gave me the netbook that came with it. It’s a nice glossy black HP Mini 210. Out of the box, it was quite the annoying thing. A clean install of Windows 7 Ultimate on it and now it works beautifully. I still haven’t gotten around the habit of carrying it everywhere, but I think I’m gradually getting used to it. I still need to install Office and Adobe CS3, but so far it’s proven to be a very convenient tool during meetings.

As I talked about before, I’ve been letting go of my past burdens, slowly, but surely. Although it pains me to see that it’s not exactly performing up to par, I have to steel myself and resist getting back in the hot seat – for my own sake. I have to admit a small part of me wants to get back on the wheel, but the wise thing to do, I realised, is to let go.

Right now, I only have two high-commitment projects, and a few low-commitment projects. The high-key ones involve PR work, the low-key ones involve design. At the moment, neither one is fully occupying my mental frame.

During the break I’ve been watching a lot of anime. I only follow 2-3 new titles this season (the rest are crap), but I’ve been watching (and re-watching) a lot of old stuff. Hataraki Man, Genshiken, Honey and Clover, and Planetes. Watching these shows kinda made me sit back and think about how I’m running my life.

After an inspiring talk I had with a sound engineer, way back in 2002, I’ve decided that I wanted a future in academics. Back then, I wasn’t very sure what field I’d be in, but I know for sure that I wanted to be in a profession where I would be educating people. It was a deep, deep desire that awakened at a crucial moment of my life.

The goal I had in my mind wasn’t to become the greatest engineer.
Or the richest businessman.
Or the most revolutionary thinker.
Or the most popular celebrity.

The goal I had in mind was that I wanted to teach.
I wanted to see change from confusion, to clear understanding.
I wanted to turn caterpillars into butterflies.

I have no intention of changing the world, but if education makes one a better person, I feel like doing so would help make my country, my world, a better place. It sounded like a pretty grand dream for a 17-year old at the time. To this day, I still believe in it and it kind of amuses me to see how strongly I believe in it.

Watching the characters of Genshiken and Honey and Clover made me think about the relationship I share with my friends. Dreaming big dreams, running around everywhere, talking to so many people, just to make things happen. We weren’t doing it for profit (though we could), we simply did it because we thought it would be cool to make things happen.

Watching Planetes and Hataraki Man made me think about the way salarymen would go about their daily routine. They weren’t particularly concerned with big dreams or aspirations, all they could do with what they have were barely enough to keep themselves fed. Overworking themselves for the sake of personal principles just looked completely pointless.

Then I read a rather biased article discussing the brief history of Activision-Blizzard, and the implied effects on Battle.net 2.0. To be honest, the only legit copy of Blizzard game that I have is the Warcraft 3 battlechest, despite having played Blizzard since, what, 1996? It saddened me to see how corporate decisions affect the spirit of games that I loved so much.

Which kinda made me realise that my mind is all over the place. One moment its this project, then that project, then meeting up with this old friend, or that old classmate, then thinking about getting to this class, or preparing for that presentation, or checking up on this thing or that thing.

Why is it that I’m caring so much about so many things? Why is it that whenever this political party does this, or when this corporation does that, or when this NGO does this, or this student club does that, I get so emotionally affected? How did I allow myself to become a pendulum to these unknown hands?

I want to go back to days when I can just spend time with friends and have a good time.
I want to go back to days when I can study and genuinely enjoy it.
I want to go back to days when I can be content with whatever I already have.

My life is steady, and I have a strong illusion of being in control. I don’t want to complicate my life, anymore. If anything, I want to simplify it, get it streamlined, do away with unnecessary details.

I’m not particularly feeling emotional or anything. It just annoys me that I can’t have a moment of peace, even by myself.

I think I’ll start by deleting my Facebook account. There.

Hmm. I feel better already :)