The Silent Room

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Small Talk:
Planetes looks FANTASTIC in 1080p. Coupled with 5.1ch audio, it’s a whole new experience! :D

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I can’t remember the number of times I’ve made excuses for my shortcomings. I was watching Planetes (yet again) and came to the episode when Hachi was forced to face his inner self.

Hachi is a mere space debris hauler, a bottom feeder at the lowest rungs of the corporate ladder. His dreams, or so he keeps telling people, is to own a spaceship. Knowing all too well that the price of purchasing one is way beyond his current income, he’s been dilly-dallying about it and conveniently finding things to blame.

A debris hauler’s pay is too low.
He’s stuck in his current job picking up garbage.
A simple life is too comfortable.
His impending physical disorder took him away from space.

All sorts of excuses to justify the fact that he failed to own a spaceship. Having all that laid bare to him, he was dealt a significant blow to his ego. It was something that really struck a chord in me.

In retrospect, I’ve come to wonder if I have been treating myself the same way.

I ran away from Engineering, and told myself because I hated calculations and electrical/electronic sciences.

I distracted myself from focusing on my design courses, and told myself that it’s because we weren’t taught any raw skills to meet the lecturers’ unreasonable expectations.

I hesitated in pursuing things, and told myself it was one reason or another.

This person wasn’t cooperative.

That person stabbed me in the back.

Those people didn’t have the right work attitude.

I kept telling myself that it wasn’t my fault – someone or something else caused it, put me in this position.

At times like this, I wonder, is it really not my fault? I read stories about people with unbreakable determination achieving things often thought impossible. I mingled with people who struggled against all odds to make things happen. I joined hands with people who firmly believe in their cause and desperately push themselves for it.

At times like these, I wonder, have I been running away and pretended not to realise it? For a long time I thought that I’ve been doing the things I do because I love doing them, because it makes me happy. I’ve had people ask me,

“Why do you keep doing this, what’s in it for you?”

I couldn’t answer them because when I think about it, I really have nothing much to gain at all. And I asked myself the same question again, why did I even started all that in the first place? It’s not making me any money, it’s not getting me any assets, so why?

Then I stopped, and thought that asking myself these questions are like giving myself excuses to not go through with them. Excuses to not pursue the things I wanted to do, the things I’ve been telling people I would do. Is it because I don’t want to be seen as a hypocrite? That I don’t want to be known as an all-talk, no show?

If that is indeed the case, I’m truly a pathetic excuse for a human being. Creating all sorts of expectations, and putting myself under unnecessary pressure just to prove that it wasn’t all a lie. Is that really it? I honestly don’t know. A part of me says yes, that might be it. Another voice strongly yells out ‘no’, claiming that I’m simply deluding myself.

I could just drop all of this, let go and feign ignorance.
I could just apologise a bit, do a bit of obligatory explanation.
I could just let it all go, and let someone else run the show.
I could just run away, and live my life a small, simple, humble truth.

Is that what I really want? I’m not so sure anymore. I have a feeling that the dreams aren’t worth pursuing, also the feeling that I won’t be able to forgive myself for running away. I’m admittedly… lost.

This is going to take a while.