The Silent Room

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Small Talk:
Why is it that nobody within a 1km radius of my house sells any sukun goreng? I’m craving for some sukun goreng, goddamn it. No, keledek goreng just doesn’t cut it!

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I think I understand what my problem is.

I’ve realised that it’s hard for me to fall in love.

I mean, it’s not like I suddenly turned gay or something – aw, hell, even gays get to fall in love and have more fun than I do! It’s just that,… it’s been a while since I was really flooded with intense romantic feelings for anyone.

Just to satiate your curiosity, yes, I do hang out with the ladies, though not nearly as often as most ‘playas‘ do. In fact, I’ve even gone out and spent quality time with several nice girls over the past couple of months. Some of them are pointed my way by friends, some out of my own initiatives.

I do find the ladies to be attractive and charming, each in their own unique way. It’s just that, I don’t find myself deeply engrossed in any one of them. Hah, I can already foresee the kind of question I’m going to get for saying that.

“What, you think you’re too good for them?”

Hahaha, no. On the contrary, I often find myself thinking that they are too good for me – and I’ve been scolded for that on more than a few occasions, heh. No, the problem is something else completely. Let me ask you, have you ever truly fallen in love? And have those feelings returned?

Those who know what it’s like, that genuine feeling of longing, would know what I’m talking about. Not the ‘OMG she’s so cute’ or ‘He’s so dreamy and nice’ or ‘I wish he’d do this or that all day’ kind of thing – those are the superficial things, emotional triggers I call them, what got you interested in them in the first place. No, I’m talking about that intense feeling of wanting to be in his or her presence. Girls can easily understand this, but guys need a bit more explanation on this.

Hmm, how do I go about this…

It’s when you start to pay attention to how she rests her hands on the mamak table.

How you pace your breath to match hers when you watch her sleep.

How you helplessly feel that urge to do things just to see her smile.

How you don’t mind that both of you are spending a quiet time together doing random nothings
- and doing the same nothings just feel incomplete when you do it with other people.

It’s… it’s hard to describe. I suffer a strange poverty of words when it comes to describing that feeling of being in love. Well, you get the point (I hope).

So, yeah. It seems that I haven’t been putting any real effort in the pursuit of romance; probably because I didn’t think it was worth it. Lately I’ve been going out with a few girls for lunch or dinner, and then the usual routine of walking around or watching movies or follow her shopping. While I do find myself having fun spending time with the cuties, I’ve come to realise that that’s all I’ve ever valued them for: a pretty face, a lovely personality, and/or a sharp wit. I’ve never found myself really,… falling for them, you know?

I mean, if I wasn’t really THAT into her, why lie to her (and to myself) and waste the effort? I’ve a had lot of people tell me “just go for it“, “you’ll never know“, “you’ve always been single, so the first time is alright” and similar stuff.

I don’t know. I think if I don’t feel like its worth it, I just don’t go for it. Come to think of it, it really has been a while since I… bah, I’ll let you finish that sentence.