The Silent Room

---

Small Talk:
I’m still in Cheras for Aidilfitri, actually. I have a total of 5 nieces and a nephew, so my house is now the ‘kampung’ where they would ‘balik’ to. I thought the urban cities would be empty, but when I when visiting my relatives around PJ just now, I was quite surprised to see cars lining up into 1Utama’s car park. Times sure have changed, huh?

---

I’m not really that old, but over the course of my life I try not to antagonize anyone. Maybe I’m a closet pacifist, I don’t know. I guess I’m simply not very fond of bad blood between myself and other people. Some people might think of that as being cowardly, and that I shouldn’t be afraid to hurt people a bit to make my way through.

At times, they may be right. That I shouldn’t hesitate to say no, or don’t, or even outright say ‘Fuck You’, and really mean it. I mean, I’ve said ‘fuck you’ plenty of times, but it has always been in jest and good spirit. I haven’t been in a position that would have made me mouth out those two words in pure rage. At times, such things may just be the right thing to do.

In this chair, though, I can only wonder. The worst thing I’ve probably ever said in my anger is ‘No’. I think it’s because I keep putting myself in another person shoes, and to look at myself from their eyes. Maybe I think too much about what they would feel, should I be on the receiving end of a genuine ‘Fuck You’ statement, or what they think of the person flinging that ‘Fuck You’, with all that passion and rage soaked in his voice.

I’m not very fond of getting yelled at. I’m not very fond of being criticised. I’m not very fond of receiving insults – regardless of the truth. Then again, I believe neither are you. It is this line of reasoning that I’ve always held myself back, that I always try, at any given opportunity, to rebuild bridges rather than burn them.

I’m riddled with mistakes, and I’ve erred plenty of times in the many things that I’ve done. When I do something wrong, I get yelled at, and my mistakes pointed out. It hurts, but hey, you fall down, cut your knees and then you get up and get back running right? Which is why I’m thankful to have critics, they make me a better person.

Critics are fine, but some people though, aren’t very fond of openly criticising me. Some of them choose to yap about the things I do, perhaps even embellish it with little untruths or misquotes. Heck, sometimes even blatant lies were mentioned, and more than a few words passed around to smear my name.

I’m probably naive for saying this; but I honestly have faith in people. None of us are born wicked, cruel, deceitful or evil. Which is why I try to have faith in people, even though when they are trying their best to ruin my life. Now that I read the last two lines, I feel plain stupid rather than something as innocent as ‘naive’.

Still, I think I’ll choose to have faith in people a little longer. I’ve wronged a number of people before, and some of those times, if I sat down with them, spoke and sincerely apologised, we become better. Better friends, better teammates, better colleagues – and for some people, better lovers. What I really wanted to talk about today is forgiveness.

Forgiveness and mercy are perhaps the most noble traits in a person, and it would be that person’s greatest strength, even when you put them next to other virtues like honesty or patience. To be able to forgive and to be able to ask for forgiveness is what I wish to attain as a person.

Today, I have put together my ten fingers, lower my head and humbly ask for your forgiveness and blessings. I truly apologise for any mistakes, misdeed and mistrust I have incurred unto you. In that vein, I will openly and freely forgive you and let us start from a clean slate again.

And so, with all my heart, my love, and my soul, I wish you Salam Aidilfitri Mubarak, Maaf Zahir dan Batin.