The Silent Room

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Small Talk:
Another blog post for me to stuff random, irrelevant pictures into. Yay.

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The nice part about writing and/or blogging is that it keeps my mind away from real-life concerns. I’ve been overclocking my brain for hours at end for the past few weeks, and I often found myself doing it out of reflex, and a sheer desire to think of one solution after another.

Maybe I’m looking at it the wrong way, but it seems that as of the past few months I’ve been living through a series of problems. Classes, assignments, internal politics, a dying car, disappearing friends, just to name a few. Throughout that time, it feels as though my waking hours are being spent thinking of solutions, talking to people who could help, driving out to meetings, one task after another. I’ve always known that thing called ‘life on the fast lane’ but man, I never thought I’d get caught in it.

It’s fucking insane.

Finding some peace of mind, and to be relaxed is such a luxury, and I realised that I’ve been taking it for granted. There used to be a time where I spent my days lost in a book, or savouring the flavours on a new restaurant or simply getting a brain freeze from some expensive ice-cream. I took walks around town with a simple camera, attended gigs and wrote about all that with vitality.

I kinda stopped all that when several things came to be under my responsibility. Things I’ve been told to do, things I’ve been told that only I can do, and things I should do because they keep saying “you’re the boss, so its your job.” Which led me to think about the things I’ve done. Someone actually said the only thing I’ve ever done in my position was “go socialising and buy pizza.”

It got me wondering if I’ve done enough – or if I’ve actually gone too far. It also got me wondering if this is how my life would continue to be like when I get married and have children. Would I cease to live for my own sake, but rather, forsake myself to fulfill my responsibility as a parent?

I look at my parents, especially my dad, whenever this pops up in my head. It seems the only thing he ever thinks about is how much money he can make, and how much money is spent on his family. The only thing I’ve ever see him do for personal entertainment is tending to his garden (which is quite impressive, by the way). I wouldn’t think that gardening is the only thing he did as a youth. My mother still enjoys travelling and books so she still finds time for herself. Whenever somebody brings up the idea of a holiday with my dad, he would just grunt and just sink into his favourite sofa.

When the time comes, would I become that way, too? Sacrificing your desires to provide for your family is indeed noble, but to me it looked like my dad simply lost any desire to entertain himself, probably after all the years of self-enforced discipline for the sake of his family (not that I can really say that for sure). So yeah, would I be as… what’s the word, apathetic as that?

I’m still in my early 20′s so my desires and ambition are still quite… eh, let me check my thesaurus,…ah, there. They are still quite fervent. One definitely can’t say much about what it’s going to be like 20, 30 years from now, but I can’t help but shudder at the thought of being alive, but not truly living it as myself. I’m quite afraid of being a kinetic sack of meat that is animated for a single-track purpose.

Some people think I’m very successful and accomplished and enviable and all that bullshit but the fact is, I’m not. I’m practically clawing my way around and every time I reach out, I hope to grab hold of something, and hope it’s something worth holding on to. I guess that’s the price I have to pay for putting up a strong and confident facade.

For now, I just really, really miss being a hermit with only a small group of friends. Attachment sucks.