The Silent Room

Desktop of the Month: Girls with guns almost always make nice wallpapers.
It’s been a crazy year indeed. Previous years felt like they just went by but 2008 felt like it was dragging its feet all the way. Maybe because of the amount of time I spent doing real academic work was so little compared all my other side projects.

There were a number of little successes, mostly personal ones and also a good amount of significant failures as well. New friendships were forged, but not long before I screwed it up and botched it – I dare say it was a first for me, and I must say it was quite a shocker.

Interpersonal Endeavours

“Just hang on and flesh it out for another year,” they keep telling me. At this point, I don’t even know if that’s still good advice. Taking time off from studying didn’t feel like taking any time off at all. Perhaps I was too harsh, or perhaps I wasn’t harsh enough. I don’t know what’s what anymore.

Somehow, 2008 has left me feeling very… exhausted. I’m not sure if I’m actually looking forward to the coming months. Still, I chose to remain optimistic – after all, soon some things will come to an end. Whether or not it’s a good ending, I have yet to find out.

It’s not that sad when people don’t listen to you. What I found even more depressing is when people don’t talk to you. As someone who matured as a listener, having nobody talk to me was almost like being deprived of a reason to live. It was hard when people don’t tell you things and expect you to ‘know’.

I’m not saying that it’s been a bad year. I’m saying that it’s been a very… humbling experience. Many precious lessons were learnt, and painful ones too. Accepting a new cold reality was one of it.

Graduation Syndrome

I miss my friends. God knows I really do. I miss the people I grew up with, shared idiotic moments, shared ideas, shared tears and shared love. We shared food and drinks and fuel and the very air we breathed. There weren’t just friends, they were almost like parts of me, each of them the fibres of my muscles and quarts of my blood.

To say that I loved them is a severe understatement.

I wanted to attend their graduation. I lied when I told them I woke up late, but the truth was I knew I wouldn’t be able to contain those overflowing emotions seeing them leave and disappear from my life. I knew that despite all the sweet words and beautiful promises, we would all slowly strain our connections.

Slowly we would lose ourselves to the drudgery of work, pursuing an illusion of success, defined by others through paper slips with numbers that denote your rank in society. Slowly we would lose track of our time. The time we used to have to spend with ourselves, the time we used to have to spend with each other and the time we used to have to spend with simply being alive.

I tried to keep some friendships strong, I’ve managed a few. But for some, their careers just wouldn’t allow them any room to breathe. They barely have time for themselves, let alone time for friends. I can’t do anything about that, and that’s the only thing I don’t like about graduating.

Personal Achievements

Have I grown, as a person, over the past year? I don’t know, I can’t really tell. I do think that I’m slowly giving up optimism in favour of cynicism. Gradually accepting the fact that the world is fucked up, and what little hope in humanity is to be left in the hands of ‘other people’ who are ‘meant’ to change the world.

Slowly I’ve begun to turn in the direction of “I live life for myself”, which is a slight departure from my [former] ideals. I was lucky to have met certain individuals before I finished SPM, that I managed to set my sight on a noble pursuit.

“You can do more than just ‘achieve something’,” a humble man told me once.

“I chose the sad path, but you can still make the right choice. You can choose to change the world. How you do it, there’s always a path that’s open to you – and it is uniquely yours, alone. The choice for you to make is whether or not you wish to find that path, and walk it.”

I remember those words to this day. I thought, yes, I can change the world, but perhaps not in a very high-profile or extravagant manner. I thought that if I could change the thoughts of one person, and that one person can continue to change the thoughts of another person, then perhaps this world might be a slightly better place to live in.

Lately though, I find myself slowly drifting away from that dream. Slowly I find myself burrowing in personal achievements, things I gloat to myself that no one else would spare a dime about. Slowly I find myself inverting inwards, not giving a damn about other people as long as my personal interests are satisfied. Slowly, ideals, principles and beliefs are being eased out the door, in favour of a moment’s worth of gratification.

And I realised that it truly is a sad, sad thing to happen.

Superficial Solitude

Despite my personal shortcomings, I think I’ve started on a couple of good things. If I were to ‘fall from grace’, as someone bluntly put it, I’ll be happy to disappear. At least now, I’m glad to see that my past actions have brought forth motivation and the desire in others to go out and achieve something.

I might have had a lot of things planned, but my ultimate goal was to move people. To get them started, to get them thinking, hey I want to do this and that. Never mind that I’m not part of the equation once it gets to that stage. But if I can inspire people to start something, that in itself is mission accomplished. As far as I can see, I’m quite close to getting there.

Also, I’m welcoming that familiar old feeling again. A companion that has left me for many many years, now coming back. Surrounded by young, bright and hopeful minds, this embittered and weathering man once again finds himself lost in a sea of loneliness.

Ah, solitude. It’s like masak lemak cili api, you know? You try it the first time, it burns a hole through your tongue, and despite the pleasure, you thought you’d never go through that pain again. Then, after a while, you start craving for it. That searing heat, that sinful creamy pleasure that threatens to singe your entire tongue and remove it from your throat. You start saying ‘Damn, I feel like having some masak lemak cili api’.

Solitude is a good thing. I’m kind of looking forward to it, and it doesn’t seem like I’ve been spending enough time observing myself in retrospect, to correct myself and steer myself back in the direction I had originally planned to go.

Another Checkpoint

I think that, after looking back, 2008 wasn’t really a good year. Yet, it wasn’t all that bad, either. I have been greatly entertained by the many world events that have also affected me on a physical and personal scale. Obama’s victory, the attack Barisan’s ‘unshakeable’ political fortress, the rapid rise and crash of fuel prices, as well as the steadily growing awareness of otaku culture.

I have yet to find romance again, but I’m looking forward to every new experience and I think I’m somewhat working my way there. I’ve restarted my gym routine, and I’m happy to report that over the past 2 months or so, I’ve lost about 10kgs. It’s a good start, and I’m going to keep at it. The goal is so that when I lie down on my bed, it doesn’t make that creepy cracking noise again.

Above all else, I intend to do thrive in my new field. I intend to kick ass and I’m on my way to fulfilling that old dream. All I need is some elbow grease, and a lot of determination.

And for you, my blessed reader, for reading this far, you have my heartfelt thanks. Your readership, scarce though it may be, has been my reprieve. To know that what I’ve written has been read, and though it might be a bit too much to hope, I do wish that somewhere along the way, my words have improved your life one way or another.

Thank you for your time, and have a blessed and happy new year. If you happen to see me anywhere, do stop me for a while and say hi. I would so love to meet you :)