The Silent Room

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Small Talk:
I finished Prince of Persia in two sittings. It just doesn’t give you a chance to even think about stopping. I daresay that it’s actually rather… relaxing – which is something I can never say about the Sands of Time trilogy.

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Okay, usually I disregard forwarded emails from my mother for two reasons; it’s either (1) I’ve read them before, or (2) They’re the usual internet urban legends. This one however, deserves praise as I find it too hilarious to just let it slip by unshared.

For those who have been keeping up with the news, there was a bit of an uproar regarding the fatwa against the practice yoga among muslims. After many many facepalms and headwalls, I figured that Muslim are going to keep doing it anyway. What I received in my inbox last week was a list of predictions on future fatwas that we are bound to see in the coming days. Knock yourself out after the jump. (Also, I’ve been kind enough to provide you with an English translation in case you can’t read Bahasa.)

Fatwa Alaf Baru

Makin hari umat Islam makin ditindas dan dikongkong. Bukan oleh orang Cina, atau orang India atau orang Yahudi atau orang Kristian. Tetapi dianiya dan dikongkong oleh orang Islam/Melayu sendiri. Please read on. Selepas fatwa pengharaman yoga, fatwa-fatwa yang akan datang adalah seperti berikut :
(Each day, Muslims are being sidelined and oppressed. Not by the Chinese, Indians, Jews or Christians. But we are betrayed and oppressed by our own Malay Muslims. Please read on. After the fatwa of forbidding yoga, future fatwas are as follows:)

Disember 2008

Orang Islam dilarang mandi di kolam renang awam. Di kolam renang awam, akan terdapat orang-orang yang bukan Islam yang memakai pakaian renang yang singkat dan mendedahkan aurat (terutamanya amoi-amoi china yang cun dan seksi). Ini boleh menjejaskan akidah orang Islam. Cara yang paling baik ialah kita haramkan orang Islam dari kolam renang awam.
(Muslims will be forbidden to swim in public swimming pools. In public pools, there will be non-muslims wearing skimpy swimsuits and revealing their aurat (especially the hot and sexy Chinese ah-mois). This in turn can deteriorate the faith of muslims. The best way is to forbid Muslims from entering public pools.)

Januari 2009

Orang Islam dilarang pergi ke Pulau Pinang. Ketua Menteri Pulau Pinang adalah seorang yang bukan Islam and majoriti penduduk Pulau Pinang adalah orang yang bukan Islam. Apabila seorang Islam berada di Pulau Pinang, beliau mungkin terhidu bau char keoy tiaw yang dimasak oleh orang bukan Islam dan ini boleh merosakkan akidah kita. Cara yang paling baik ialah kita haramkan orang Islam dari pergi ke Pulau Pinang. Orang Islam yang kini tinggal di Pulau Pinang akan diberi elaun pindah sebanyak RM 3000 untuk membantu mereka berpindah ke negeri-negeri yang lain. Perpindahan ke negeri Kelantan dan Terengganu amat amat digalakkan.
(Muslims will be forbidden to go to Penang. The chief minister of Penang is not a Muslim and the majority of Penangites are non-muslims. When a Muslim is in Penang, he might catch a sniff of char kwey teow that is cooked by non-Muslims . The best way is to forbid Muslims from going to Penang. Muslims living in Penang will be given a moving allowance of RM3000 to move to other states. Migration to Kelantan and Terengganu is highly encouraged.)

Februari 2009

Orang Islam dilarang meminum root beer. Walaupun root beer tidak mengandungi alkohol, namun perkataan “beer” ini boleh menimbulkan keghairan dan kelakuan tidak senonoh di kalangan orang Islam. Dengan pengharaman root beer, orang Islam bolehlah meminum minuman ringan yang lain tanpa was-was. Ginger beer juga diharamkan.
(Muslims will be forbidden to drink root beer. Even though root beer does not contain alcohol, the word ‘beer’ can induce lust and uncouth behaviour among Muslims. By forbidding root beer, Muslims can enjoy other soft drinks without any doubt. Ginger beer will also be forbidden.)

Mac 2009

Orang Islam dilarang memakan di kedai Mamak. Walaupun mamak kebanyakkannya Islam, tetapi asal usul mereka adalah India dan ada kemungkinan terdapat unsur-unsur India di dalam perniagaan mereka seperti bercakap Tamil dan memakai seluar dalam buatan India. Untuk mengelakkan sebarang syak wasangka, mulai 1 Mac 2009, orang Islam dilarang dari memakan di kedai mamak (kecuali Tun Mahatir kerana dia sendiri mamak kelas I)
(Muslims will be forbidden to eat at mamak shops. Even though most mamak are Muslims, the are of Indian origin and may have Indian elements in their business such as speaking Tamil and wearing underwear that are made in India. To avoid any misconceptions, effective March 1 2009, Muslims will be forbidden to eat at mamak shops (except Tun Mahathir because he himself is a Class I mamak).)

April 2009

Orang Islam dilarang bermain ping pong atau table tennis. Ping pong berasal dari negeri China dan oleh yang demikian, mungkin terdapat unsur-unsur agama Buddha atau Confuciusism di dalam permainan ping pong. Ornag Islam yang terlalu banyak bermain ping pong akan terjejas akidah mereka. Sebagai permainan alternatif, orang Islam digalakkan bermain sepak raga (tetapi bola raga mesti buatan Malaysia, bukan dari Thailand).
(Muslims will be forbidden to play ping pong or table tennis. Ping pong is from China and therefore may contain elements of Buddhism or Confuciunism in the game. Muslims who play too much ping pong will damage their faith. As an alternative game, Muslims are encouraged to play takraw (but the balls must be made in Malaysia and not Thailand).)

Mei 2009

Orang Islam yang berkerja dengan kerajaan dilarang mengambil gaji masing-masing. Ini kerana sebahagian besar pendapatan kerajaan adalah cukai pendapatan yang dibayar oleh syarikat-syarikat orang bukan Islam. Orang Islam digalakkan meminta sedekah dari orang Islam yang lain. Untuk memudahkan permintaan sedekah, bakal peminta sedekah digalakkan mencangkung di hadapan bangunan UMNO.
(Muslims working for the government will be forbidden to claim their salaries. This is because a large part of the government’s income comes from non-Muslim companies. Muslims are encouraged to beg for alms from other Muslims. To ease the effort, beggars are encouraged to squat in front of the UMNO building.)

Jun 2009

Orang Islam dilarang keluar negara. Terdapat terlalu banyak godaan yang boleh meruntuhkan akhlak dan akidah orang Islam. Perkara ini telahpun dikaji dengan teliti hasil lawatan sambil belajar ke Bangkok oleh Majlis Fatwa Kebangsaan baru-baru ini. Oleh yang demikian, orang orang Islam diminta menyerahkan balik paspot masing-masing ke jabatan immigresen secepat mungkin. Perjalanan keluar negara hanya dibenarkan untuk menteri-menteri dan orang kuat UMNO sahaja, itupun hanya jika diiringi oleh ahli Majlis Fatwa Kebangsaan.
(Muslims will be forbidden to leave the country. There are far too many temptations that may ruin the morals and faith of Muslims. This has already been studied in detail during a recent educational trip to Bangkok by the National Fatwa Council. As such, Muslims are required to return their passports back to the immigration office as soon as possible. Overseas trips are only allowed for ministers and UMNO chiefs, and only if they are accompanied by a member of the National Fatwa Council.)

Julai 2009

Orang Islam dilarang berfikir di waktu siang. Kebanyakkan masalah jenayah dan maksiat wujud kerana orang-orang yang tak ada kerja berfikir yang bukan-bukan. Untuk membenteras maslah jeneyah dan maksiat, orang-orang Islam mulai 1 Julai 2009, dilarang dari menggunakan otak mereka diwaktu siang. Pemikiran mereka akan dipantau oleh Majlis Fatwa Kebangsaan dengan menggunakan sekumpulan specially trained monkeys. Orang Islam boleh menggunakan otak mereka di waktu malam tetapi pemikiran dihadkan kepada perkara-perkara berkaitan dengan makan dan minum sahaja.
(Muslims will be forbidden to think during the day. Most of the crimes and vices happen because of people who have nothing better to do start thinking of nonsensical things. To eradicate the problems of crimes and vices, effective July 1 2009, Muslim will be forbidden to use their brains during the day. Their thoughts will be monitored by the National Fatwa Council through a group of specially trained monkeys. Muslims may only use their brains at night but their thoughts will only be limited to things related to food and drinks.)

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I pounded on my table so hard I almost broke it.