The Silent Room

I tip my hat off to Shimoku-sensei for his absolutely stunning piece of work.

Somewhere in the 6th volume of the Genshiken manga, hardcore otaku Madarame hangs out at a kaiten sushi with the otaku anti-thesis Saki, a member of his club and his friend’s girlfriend. That particular chapter affected me profoundly as we subtly discover that Madarame actually has a crush on Saki.

In case you are not familiar with Genshiken, it’s a story about a university-based anime club. Naturally, its members are made up of otakus, except for Saki, who is only there because her hardcore otaku boyfriend is a member. As the series progresses, Saki gradually accepts the reality of otaku culture and has grown somewhat mellowed by the end of her second year in university.

Madarame, the alpha otaku of the lot, slowly develops feelings for her but understands that she is his own friend’s girlfriend, but more importantly, he understands that both of them are from the opposite ends of the universe. Yet, when Saki starts to develop some otaku traits (she starts playing video games) he is saddened by the fact, and would rather have her remain as she is.

It’s a conflicting set of emotions, to not be able to be with that person because of her differences, yet if she changes to something you would accept, you would feel that she is ‘lost’. This helpless sense of attraction and despair, communicated by the author through wordless scenes and gestures throughout the chapter left a deep impression in me.

Particularly because I know, all too well, what a one-sided love feels like.

I have dealt with many one-sided romances in my years, as evident by my track record of remaining single after 23 years. Well, it’s not that I’m not confident with my qualities or personal appeal, but well, I guess things just don’t work out very well for some of us.

It’s a crushing feeling, actually. I adored a certain Chinese girl ever since my foundation year in Melaka, and in-between my romantic misadventures, I couldn’t help but hide a deep infatuation her. This infatuation only grew deeper as our friendship took another step closer when we were in Cyber.

Despite having my own issues, I couldn’t help but feel sad when I discovered that she found herself a boyfriend. In a way, I suppose my position and hers are somewhat similar to Madarame and Saki. I have my own geeky preferences and lifestyle whereas she sports good fashion sense and a rather happening lifestyle.

I’ll admit, my early adoration for her begun with how attractive she was. What really won me over though, was the depth of her character. A feminine strength that you could only see from women who gave their best efforts in unforgiving situations. A helplessly kind, caring and selfless soul who knew she would suffer betrayal, yet still offered her hands and shoulders to friends who need them.

Even after she graduated, I left these feelings unresolved. I treasure our friendship far too much to ruin it with a confession of love. I sincerely do care for her well-being and happiness, though. Loyalty in companionship is a rare commodity, and I was lucky to find it in her.

The times we spent talking over lunches, dinners and cheesecakes are gems of my university life that I could never trade for anything else in the world. She and I live in very different worlds, in almost every aspect. Academically, socially, career-wise, hobbies and who knows what else. We share very little things in common, yet somehow I feel like I can turn to her even if the whole world turns its back on me.

If you realize who you are, allow me to say this much: I love you, and I miss you. I don’t intend to soil our friendship with this gesture, but I thought at least I’d let you know that I really do care about you and that I care enough to actually worry when you’re down and out.

In case it doesn’t get through, well I hope we’ll meet again sometime soon and catch up over some sushi and lots of green tea.