The Silent Room

Mine is a happy family. No, seriously. We go on trips, talk about meaningless things, bicker, argue, scold, that sort of thing. All the good things and all the nasty things that tie a family together. It’s one luxury I’ve always been blessed with.

It’s just, I realised that I have to constantly remind myself of that fact. My family isn’t broken. My married brothers come with to visit and feast with us. The grandchildren love to play with their aunts and uncles. My parents love each other. My siblings care about each other.

I live in an ordinary family with ordinary happiness, and ordinary trials. We always have food on the table. There’s always fuel in the car. There’s always some cash in the wallet. There’s [almost] always electricity and broadband in the house. I am blessed with that.

Strangely enough, I find myself cornered by these blessings.

I am blessed, therefore I have no right to complain.

I am blessed, therefore I have no right to create an opposing voice.

I am blessed, therefore I have no right to be cynical.

I am blessed, therefore I have no right to disappoint.

I am blessed, therefore I have no right to be bitter.

I am blessed, therefore I have no right to be sarcastic.

I am blessed, therefore I am expected to return the blessings.

I am blessed, therefore I am obligated to meet expectations.

I am blessed, therefore I am supposed to obey unquestioningly the ones who blessed me.

I am blessed, therefore I am not to betray those blessings.

To cut a long story short, I can’t help but look at the mirror and see myself as the black sheep of the family. I’ve had enough of trying to convince others. I’ve had enough of fighting back. I’ve had enough of suffering just because someone else is suffering from delusional horrors.

Pressing on forward, that’s what I decided. It’s the best thing to do, it’s THE thing to do. So, I did. I’ve no interest in sharing my endeavors with those who refuse to listen. I’ve no interest in wearing my heart on my sleeve when dealing with people who don’t appreciate my honesty.

I pressed forward on my own, and I think I’ve done quite well so far. I think I’m going in a good direction, in a good pace. I’m enjoying my studies, for the first time.

But of course, someone had to empty a bucket of cold water over my head. Just a few minutes ago.

“If you fail again, you’re getting out of university. Period.”

Gee. Thanks so much for those words of encouragement. Thanks for thinking of me as a wasteful piece of shit. Thanks for reminding me that you don’t give a damn. Thanks for making me realise that no matter what I do, I won’t be able to please anyone.

“If you fail again,”

But, that’s fine.

“If you fail again,”

I don’t need your lack of originality to cheer me on.

“If you fail again,”

I don’t care what you think of me.

“If you fail again,”

I didn’t even realise that you actually cared.

“If you fail AGAIN,”

And at this point, working hard to please someone else is the last thing on my mind. It’s all me, me, ME. Whether or not you’re content with that is none of my concern.

All I want to do now is to press on forward. As long as you don’t get in my way, I shall uphold this facade of happiness as long as I am obliged to. Bother me, and you won’t be seeing a pretty sight. That’s my blessing for you.

I can guarantee you that much.