I’ve long forgotten what it’s like to be afraid.

Not to say that I’m a courageous person or anything, it’s just that it’s been so long since felt myself trembling from fear. No, I’m not talking about trivial things like being afraid of ghosts or fearing that I’ll flunk my exams or fearing that I’ll get scolded or fearing that I’ll get my heart shattered again.

I’m talking about the fear that creeps under your skin, that runs all the way down your spine, and sends a lashing cold that stings your bones. True fear that really makes you feel like you just want to wrap your arms around yourself. True fear that you feel like even the slightest disturbance will make you scream.

A fear so great, even death doesn’t seem like a bad idea.

Have you ever felt that kind of fear before? I highly doubt so. Our lives have been very much calm and steady, the only fears we have are just simply illusions that fade away with a quick wash and a bit of courage. I’ve been living that way, all this while, too.

But I have tasted that fear, once.

The strange thing about fear is that contrary to what many believe, fear itself does not cause pain. The pain of ‘being afraid’ comes from anxiety and that you constantly put yourself in the one thing that you fear, and being helpless at the same time. But from what I remember, the fear I went through wasn’t really painful.

It was somewhat close to insanity.

I don’t really remember the details of how I felt [it was a very long time ago], and I’m not too interested to talk about what brought out that fear [long story, lazy to explain the circumstances and what not]. What I can say, is that the fear I had back then was unlike anything I have ever felt before. To this day, I still can’t find the words to describe it.

It was beyond fear of getting myself hurt.
It was beyond fear of death.
It was beyond fear of being alone.

All I really did remember was that throughout the time, I was left clueless. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Before my eyes there was only whiteness. No walls, no celings, no floors. Everything was white. I couldn’t feel where my feet were, and no matter how far I reached, my arms would touch nothing. I couldn’t even hear my own voice. The only thing I did feel was my own heartbeat going faster and faster.

It was like going blind.
It was also like going deaf.
It feels like the nerves from my entire body has been severed.

That was, roughly, how it was.

Fortunately for me, there was a hand that picked up mine, and a voice that whispered into my ears and the fear was no more. After that, I wasn’t afraid of - no, more like, I was unable to comprehend the meaning of being afraid.

When I walked into that dimly lit dorm of my boarding school, I wanted to be afraid because I knew I was going to get beaten up. But I couldn’t. I wished I felt so afraid that I could just cry and run away, but I never did feel afraid.

When I walked the streets alone, all the way from Jitra to Langkawi, the 15-year old me felt no fear of wandering aimlessly around Langkawi at night.

When I was shot 8-storeys into the air during the reverse-bungee ride, accelerating from 0-200km/h under 5 seconds the only thing I felt was excitement - despite knowing that I might get myself flung out of the seat.

When I got myself trapped in my neighbour’s roof, accused as a thief, all I felt was disgust - despite having two parangs pointed at me.

When the bike I rode flew up in the air, the only thing in my mind was the fact that the bike’s owner would forever hate me for wrecking it - despite knowing full well that I might just get myself killed along with it.

When I jammed the brakes and my car skidded across the wet road as I went at 80km/h near a traffic light, I only got pissed at the fact that I’d be guilty for wrecking someone else’s car - despite knowing that the few cars that almost collided with me would crush me into a pulp.

There have been so many occcasions that my life could have been snipped off just like that, but not in one of those occasion did I really feel the same fear that swallowed me whole many years ago. If it was anything, the one thing that really existed in my heart during those times were sheer emptiness. Emptiness so full that it barely leaves any room for anything else. There has yet to be a threat that could bring about the kind of fear that could equal the one I felt back then.

I’ve been living my life happily and carefree ever since, the only negative emotions I’ve felt were sadness and anger - even those were drowned by oceans of laughter and joy. I have been blessed, indeed.

However, to be frank - I might regret saying this - I’ve actually thought of wanting to feel that insanity-inducing fear again.

I want to be afraid.

I want to curl up and let my mind go bleak as the white fear engulfs my entire being.

It’s weird, I know, but it’s true. Although this is probably one of the dumbest things I’ve ever wished for, but it really has been such a long time since I understood the meaning of fear. And yes,…

…I kinda miss it.