The Silent Room

I’m planning some changes come next trimester. It is, after all, the new academic year. What with my scholarship status [I'm such a terrible failure] and my own personal dilemmas. It’s not yet finalised so I’m not prepared to discuss it here with you. Suffice to say, that whatever it may seem to look like, I can’t help but think that it’s just me attempting to run away.

I’d like to say that it’s desire for a change of environment. Going around the boulder to get past it instead of attempting to smash my way through. But I have to admit, the main reason behind these changes are, in fact, that I want to escape from a few things. These things are supposed to be elements that should assist me in my journey, but alas, from what has been happening, they have been all but obstructions. Pegs that catch on and tug me back. I have to rid myself of them.

Perhaps this is just me being selfish all over again. But no, there’s more than just selfishness at work here. I can’t bear being something I’m not. At present, there are things that I do some people just fail to accept. I, for one, have long accepted the fact that your mind will never work the same way as mine. I don’t mind that you don’t – and probably won’t – understand me. Just… don’t tell me I’m wrong.

I spend enough time scolding myself and have given up feeling depressed. Being depressed sucks. I escape depression as soon as I can. It feels much better to be cheery despite the amount of shit that has hit the fan. Don’t go telling me how you felt when you went through shit; I don’t want to know. Why? Because you suck at trying to stay in control when someone hits the panic button.

You raise your voice, you point fingers, and you just won’t shut up. In the end, when you get that high blood pressure thing, EVERYONE POINTS THEIR FUCKING FINGERS AT ME. I just stayed quiet. I refuse to say a single word. I pretended I didn’t have ears. For a few moments I stared into nothing. Nobody’s yelling at me. Nobody’s pointing at me. Nobody’s looking at me.

You might say I’m being in denial. That’s probably true. But one thing is for sure, I’m not the one getting burned up and pissed off about the whole issue. If something that happened really was my fault, I’ll admit to it. I make mistakes, lots of it. I don’t, however, let my mistakes bother me. I’d rather worry about how to do right thing than worry about how to avoid the wrong thing. Unfortunately, you don’t work that way. You look at what’s wrong, you pinpoint the cause, and you start with your shit on it. Thank you for solving the problem, Freud.

You wanna know why I don’t want to go on a vacation with you? Because I don’t want you holding me back from enjoying myself. That’s all.

Yeap, I’d rather go and be alone, at peace with the person who understands me the most – me.

Change is good. I’ll make some changes, soon. Very soon.