to be continued…

Chuck is a wise, wise man.

This update is dedicated to Kyels, who has been bugging me abt the lack of new Eggheads strips. Cheers, darling :D. It’s great to have ppl actually waiting to see your works.

“IF Bloodmage was the best hero in the game, and IF it was feasible for Human to tech to tier 3 with only 1 Guard Tower and no Footmen and mass Flying Machines, Angry_Korea_Man would win everything.

However, this would not be so impressive, because that’s all he does. If you do only 1 thing which happens to be best, you can win a lot but it’s not creativity or micro that’s awarded, but doing the right strategy even if it obviously won’t work, it will still be done and in some cases it does work. The strategy can just be seen from a replay so it’s nothing more than tracing the lines fo a picture, whereas the true wc3 master is like an artist, a picasso, or rembrandt, and many less known but still talented painters.”

-Manuel “4K.Grubby” Schenkhuizen

Yes, Warcraft 3 is indeed an art. As was Starcraft. This is THE beautiful game.

Alright, alright. I think a few people already tagged me with this meme, and since I’m so freaking bored today… I’ll do it. Thanks to Asyraf and Andreas who tagged me on this one;

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
- have a son
- skydive
- bungee jump
- have a trip around the world in 30 days
- have my own studio, where I can archive everything about me
- taste every single edible fruit there is
- run my own university.

Seven things I can do
- write
- draw
- talk
- lie
- laugh
- make people laugh
- tell stories

Seven celebrity crushes
- Katie Holmes [die Cruise, DIE!!!!]
- Jesssica Alba
- Wardina Saffiyah
- Kyoko Fukada
- Vicky Zhao
- Rachel Weisz
- This one jap chick but I forgot her name.

Seven often-repeated words
- lol
- wtf
- omg
- Yo
- gg
- MWAKHAKHKAHKAHKAHKAHKAHKHAKAHKHA
- stfu la pls

Seven physical traits you look for in the opposite gender
- Narrow eyes [yes, I have this weird obsession]
- Some flesh covering the bones, I’m not fond of hugging a pile of bones.
- Some flesh.. where there are no bones needed to hold it up >:D
- Easy smile
- Medium to long hair, preferably smooth [no rebonding necessary, really, just smooth].
- Has a healthy appetite. I’m taking you out for dinner and all you have is a glass of water and a redbean bun?
- Fair complexion [ok, I'm asking too much.]

Three names I go by
- Fazri
- Nuha
- Faz [of course, there's plenty more]

Three screen names I’ve had
- Dark One
- silent_one
- Silencers

Three physical things I like about myself
- My loud voice
- My arms
- My height [ok, I'm not THAT tall. But at least people won't call me shortfuck, BMWAKHKAWHKAHWKAHA]

Three physical things I don’t like about myself
- Dark complexion
- Bellyyyyy!!!!
- I wish I took better care of my eyes.

Three things that scare me
- losing Sarah [already happened]
- losing my parents
- nobody to share my stories with [i don't really mind being a loner.]

Three drinks
- Milo ais
- Gatorade
- Plain water,… lots of it.

Three everyday essentials
- Getting online
- Some fresh air outside [hard to get, these days]
- Something with mayonnaise [and just now I complained abt my belly, lol]

Three things I’m wearing right now
- Sarong
- glasses
- blanket [it's cold in here.]

Three of my favourite movies
- John Q
- Gladiator
- Shrek

Three careers im considering
- run a cybercafe with a non-alcohol bar [lol]
- photojournalist
- lecturer

10 years ago…
I moved away from PJ to Cheras. I hated it here back then. I was alone and had nobody

5 years ago…
I declared to my friends after PMR, “BM ngan Agama takde hal, tapi aku rasa Sejarah ngan Kemahiran Hidup aku tak best la.”. Sure enough, I got 6A’s and 2B’s…. the B’s were BM and Agama.

Yesterday…
I went to the dentist for a scaling treatment.

5 snacks I enjoy
- anything that doesnt have veggies
- candy
- putu buluh/piring
- dim sum? [halal ones are hard to find, but when you do... yummehhhhhh]
- pringles original [too bad they cut down on size]

5 songs I know all the words to
- Savage Garden’s ‘Crash and Burn’
- Backstreet Boys ‘Larger Than Life’
- Linkin Park’s ‘In The End’
- DJ Tiesto feat Nyana, ‘Beautiful Things’
- Negaraku

5 things I’d do with a million dollars
- convert them to ringgits, that’s like 3.8 mil.
- buy myself an uber 1337 camera kit
- save up the rest in bank that can give me like, an annual interest of 10% or above, lol
- nothing else
- sleep in peace

5 places I’d run away to
- a bridge in Putrajaya, I’m not telling which one
- the roof of my house
- somewhere where there’s a clean waterfall
- anywhere quiet lah, basically.

5 favourite TV shows
- Thundercats [HO!!!!]
- Full House
- Ed
- CSI, the original one
- any anime, actually.

5 biggest joys
- making people laugh
- make myself laugh
- accomplish something
- get out of a fucked up situation by myself
- being able to answer questions confidently

5 fictional character I would date
I really have no idea how to answer this one.

5 songs I currently love
- Savage Garden’s ‘Crash and Burn’ [will always be my no.1]
- Tiesto’s ‘Beautiful Things’
- ATB’s ‘Ecstasy’
- Linkin Park’s ‘My December’ Reanimation remix
- Mikuni Shimokawa’s ‘Minamikaze’ [South Wind]

5 tags go to…
- Albert
- noobjie
- Sher
- Michael Ooi [i'm a big fan, wheeee!!]
- Frus [the gay dude needs some spotlight on him :p]

It’s not exactly easy to jerk emotional tears from my face. It would take a long story and usually something that reaches deep into my being to able to turn that lever. Probably it’s because I don’t really give a fuck a lot of things anymroe, these days, lol.

But then again, truth be told, I think I already lost the ability to shed tears for myself.

I think, the last time I really cried my heart out was during Form 4. And no, it was a heartbreak case. I think it’s more of a crying fit in anger and shame. You see, both my parents are university lecturers, and they have expectations from all their children. I was born into a family of academicians, and my sibling all excelled in their education.

Of course, I was expected of the same.

Form 4 introduced me to Add Maths. My father, being a lecturer in the fields of mathematical sciences, have always prided himself in skill and ability when dealing with numbers. It’s probably the best thing he knew how to do, and it’s definitely the one thing I believe no one can beat him at. When it comes to maths, he’s my idol, and my aim.

Whenever I did well in Maths, or suggesting him different solution to a variety of mathematical problems, he would smile with pride. You can almost see his heavily bearded face glowing. His face blatantly reads ‘This boy is MY son’. Of course, I believe it happens with my older siblings during their time, too. I myself, being the youngest, didn’t get to see all that, but it matters little to me. He would rub me on the head whenever I performed, and would literally rip my ears from my head should I fail to do so. I, too would swell with pride to see him being proud of me, and would cringe in shame at his dissapointment.

I always prided myself as a mathematician’s son. I don’t really say it like this, but honestly, I do. I’m proud of my father, and am proud to be his son, and to be passed down at least a portion of his potential.

But back to Add Maths,… I got a 15% for my first test.

I mean, I knew would fail that test, which was hard enough on me. But 15 percent? I didn’t know what to say, or how to react. I was stumped. There was only one thing in my head back then,

“You’re an idiot, Fazri. That’s what you are. Nothing more, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.”

It was a whisper that echoed and resonated in my head. I was unable to naturally smile, and I had to fake my laughter just so my classmates wouldn’t worry, simply because they just laughed at their horrible results and compared who got worse than who.

I got home, and went to take a shower. I let the shower run on me, hugged my knees, buried my face in them, and cried. At first it was just a quiet sobb, drowned by sounds of the thousands of water droplets crashing on the bathroom floor. And the cries got harder, and more intense. I cried and wailed. I felt so terrible.

It hurt me deeper than I expected.

That night, I realised that nothing hurts more than losing because you never tried. It sucks, you know? Think about it yourself. You know, too well, that if you put some effort into it, you could have done well. But being the idiot that you are,… you didn’t. No, you’re not an idiot because you failed the exams. You’re an idiot because you never gave it your best shot. That was the realisation that hurt me the most.

That night I cried so hard. So hard, everyone thought I had a heartbreak. They never knew what it was that made the tears run. And they never asked. I kinda noticed that crying won’t do any good. It only burns my heart, mind and body. It only aches my soul and breaks my spirit. Crying doesn’t help one bit. Not a single bit. At all.

And Hyde told me, “You have no right to cry, Fazri. None at all.” [yes, I talk to myself. A lot. Now get away from me, cause I'm insane like that.]

The next thing I knew, I never shed a single tear for myself. Even if I tried. I’m sure you know how painful it is to be shunned by your friends, and to have people say things behind your back. It hurts me so much, but I never cried, because I couldn’t.

I lost 250GB worth of my life in one shot. It hurts me so much, but I never cried, because I couldn’t.

I’m sure you know how painful it is when someone you seriously like says ‘No’ and starts to be afraid of you, and almost avoiding you. It hurts me so much, but I never cried, because I couldn’t.

And to finally find yourself being in love, and have that person tell you “I Love You” only to learn that it’s not really true… I don’t have to explain it, do I? It hurt me too much. Far more than I could have ever ever ever imagined. It ripped me apart, and left me on my knees, completely powerless, unable to find the strength to collect the scattered pieces of my broken heart.

But of all things, I couldn’t cry. At that time, I wished I could bury my face in someone’s lap and soak them in my tears. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t even afford a sob or a sniffle, I just couldn’t. My skin burned, and my chest pounded as though it was ready to break my rips open and my skull felt as though cracks ran through it.

All that, because I couldn’t cry. Now, I wish I could.

Of course, there were times that I shed tears. Watching movies like John Q, or Sepet. I cried when my mother and sister got into a fight simply because of attitude. I cried from excessive laughter. I cry at sad love stories [yes, I know very well that I'm a sucker]. I cried in joy when I found out my niece would be safe after a rather dramatic birth.

But of all those times, I have never cried for myself. For my own pain, my own sorrow. Not once.

Here’s a lesson for you: don’t be afraid to cry.

Crying doesn’t help the situation one bit, yes. But when you’re feeling helpless and crying is all you can do, then by all means.. cry. Cry your heart out. Cry until you run out of tears. Cry until you tire out and faint. Cry. You know why?

Crying lets the sorrow escape you.
Crying releases the burden in your heart and prevents it from building up.
Crying proves you’re human.

For someone like me, I don’t think I can shed another tear for myself ever again. As much as want to, sometimes, but right now, I just can’t anymore. [which is why I enjoy movies/anime that can make me cry]

Don’t be afraid to cry. You will feel a lot better after you do, and when you’re done crying, keep your chin up. Eyes forward, and decide things for yourself. Your tears are the testimony to your strength, and let the tears be the witnesses of your resolve. Let the tears of sorrow dry up, so can they make room for the tears of joy.