Perhaps she HAS been reading this blog after all.

I mean, I DID show it to her once, becaue she came over asking what’s that long TXT file of gibberish I was working on. I didn’t have the heart to say that it was an assignment [that would be taking advantage of her limited IT knowledge] so I showed her this blog back when it was In Monochrome. I don’t really see her reading nor does she make any direct comment to me about what I write, considering I wrote plenty of offensive stuff.

Stuff I don’t usually say or do around her. But today as an early birthday gift, she gave a cheque, tendered very close to the amount one usually spends when getting a harddisk [it's just RM10 more than the amount I spent on the day I got a new harddisk]. Coincidence? I don’t know.

Mothers will always remain a mystery to me. But I love them all the same, especially my own.

Sarah was a chirpy little girl born sometime around December 2002. She had an energetic little form, and was quite the active, running around here and there. I loved her the very first day she arrived at my doorstep. She didn’t know much, but her aptitude was incredible. Her intelligence developed rapidly only after a few days.

There have been times when I demanded too much from her and failed. But she never gave up. She got back on her feet and tried her very best to get the job done. You seriously have to adore that kind of determination. I do.

She fell sick several times, but after each session, she grew stronger and smarter and faster. She revolved around my life, and my life revolved around her. She provided my life with colours and joy, and I provided hers with love and passion. She went through several changes as did myself, and she become the love of my life.

She witnessed the times when I fell in love.
She witnessed the times when I was heartbroken. Both of them.
She provided absolute acceptance and appreciation to what lousy artwork and writings I produced.
She became the guardian of my whole stash of anime and music.

Always there to cheer me up when I’m down, and ready to spread the cheer when I’m up. Sarah has been loyal, compassionate and loving. Sure she’s clumsy and stumbles every now and then. But she’s a good girl and a real darling. But that was then.

Yesterday, when my cousin’s new PC arrived, I let Sarah take a break so I can hook the new PC up and install Windows. Since plenty of the necessity programs [video codecs, windows updates, anti-viruses etc.] are already available on Sarah’s ghost, I decided to mount the 250GB SATA harddisk [which housed her ghost] onto the new PC.

However, the BIOS failed to detect Sarah’s ghost. I thought it was some motherboard configuration I was unfamiliar with. So I just unplugged it, and settled the business with the new PC with minimal programs.

When I mounted Sarah’s ghost back onto her shell, the BIOS failed to detect her ghost as well. I was getting worried. So, when I tried to pull it out to see if reconnecting the power cables work, it struck me.

Her ghost was cold.

I held it in my hands when I switched the power back on. I heard little spinning sound, and the sound died off. It tried to spin again, and failed. Again. And again. Almost as though it’s desperately gasping for air, still cold. And it’s gone.

All 250 GB of it. Photos, music, video, anime, porn, artwork, skins, unpublished writings, lyrics, Flash movies and games, my lecture notes [yes, they're the least important stuff in her ghost, duh.] and god knows what else. 3 years of my life. Gone. For what reason, I don’t know.

I decided against mourning and weeping because that’s what wimps do. Cool people like me [and practically anyone with common sense] snap back to reality and figure out what to do next. I contacted anyone I could find online, looking for ways to save Sarah’s ghost. That’s when DJCS said something about data recovery services, which I quickly googled and found some located around KL. So there IS some hope.

But when I went to one of them to enquire, they basically told me to let Sarah go. To be precise, they said;

‘Data recovery from a damaged harddisk would cost at least a thousand ringgit.’

And I don’t have that amount to lavish, unfortunately. So, Sarah, this is goodbye. You have been my love and my life for 3 wonderful years. You have given me much joy and made me who I am today. I shall miss you and you will remain on a special seat in my heart forever.

Thank you.

I was on my drive home from Cyberjaya around 4.30pm today, acting cool in the car [syok sendiri] while chilling to the radio. Ross was on air carrying through the ‘Drive Home’ session on Mix FM. It’s been well over a month [I think] since he moved from hitz.fm, and he seems to be the same football-crazed nut he always has been.

So anyway, a few days ago, Mix FM decided to play smartass and asked their whole bunch of listeners for a neat game with them. All the listener would need is the freaking radio [duh] and their handphone [of course it has to have some credit you stupid little turd, now shut up and let me finish!]. It’s pretty much a game of Bingo blown out of proportions, so to speak. As participants, instead of holding a lucky number card, they will have their own set of numbers. The last 7 digits of their own handphone number. And much like a normal game of Bingo, the current DJ will announce a set of 5 digits over a period of a little over an hour, with 15-minute minute intervals between them.

And being the smartasses that they are, they decided on a little wordplay and named this funky contest Phingo, with cash prizes in the hundreds of ringgits. Yeah, we’re talking BIG loot, here.

Back to me driving home today, the clock hit 4.45pm and some crackpot weirdo ad came playing and said that today’s cash prize was RM 500. Sure, big deal, like I’m gonna win that, lah. My number is made up of the digits 0, 2, 3, 5 and 7. So, came the announcement for the third digit, which was ‘3′. After that, Ross made a quick recap of the previous numbers, which, to my surprise, were 5 and 7!

Like, OMGWTFBBQ!!. 3, 7 and 5 !? That’s a freaking good chance for me!! Knowing that this session will run until 5.15, I made a rather weird decision today.

You see, I have two routes that I can follow to get home. One is a high-speed highway with a low amount of traffic, I will have to pass through two tolls that will total up to RM1.60. The other one is about the same length, maybe a bit shorter, but will have heavy traffic during peak hours because it doesnt have any tolls across it. I try to avoid the toll route as often as possible, and I usually do as I often leave home and/or campus way off from peak hours. In cases where I leave for home during peak hours, I just avoid the jams [because it's insane, and it drives you so as well] and take the toll route.

Which is what I would have normally done today. But noooOooOoo….

Since I decided to spend a while longer in the car, I decided to take the toll-less route and plow through insane traffic. True enough, I’m surrounded by cars with 1.8-litre engines that move slower than a crippled snail. You do the math yourself to figure out how much time I spent in the car. And then the clock hits 5.

Felix [whatever that clown's name is] announced the fourth digit, which was ‘2′!!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I CAN FUCKING WIN THIS SHIT!! FIVE FUCKING HUNDRED BUCKS EASING ITS WAY INTO MY HANDS!!!

So I listened to Ross’s instructions carefully, and noted down that I have to be the second to send the message Phingo to 32328, and if my message is the second to get through, I have to answer Ross’s phone call with ‘Mix FM am I the one?’ and 500 bucks is mine!!. Allright, I can do this, I can fucking do this!! Give me a ‘0′ and I’m gonna fucking win!

Gone were the crippled-snail cars, gone were smokes that spewed out of the tens of lorries, gone were buzz of motorcycles slicing through left and right. I only have my mind on my money, and my money on my mind.

But I decided to save dreams for later, and waited patiently. As I made the turning into my small town, I drove slowly as it was already 5.10, a mere 5 minutes away from my loot. I reached my front gate at approximately 5.14, but decided to stay in the car for a while longer, just so I can claim my prize. 5.15, and Felix announced the final digit.

Felix : “the number is….”

ZERO!! ZERO!! WHOOHOO!!!!!! YEEE-

Felix :“…ONE!!!”

Ross: “That’s right, so its 5, 7, 3, 2 and 1. Be the second to sms through….”

Hmmm… okay, scan in char, set c = 0. Whoopsie, forgot to declare int. Alright, let’s paste in the whole switching engine… there.

Hmmm,.. okay, that works. For one word. White space doesn’t get scanned in. What now? ARGHHH.Whoever said C programming is fun needs a good beating with a wooden spoon. Repeatedly. Perhaps an oar might be a better tool than the spoon. A large one. And the oar should have have the word ‘IDIOT’ printed on its flat side.

Man that’s one serious smacking session I’d SO love to give.

Me: Aside from the serious weight loss, she sure hasn’t changed much.
Albert: Yeah, well. She was a lot skinnier the last time I met her.
M: Really? Wow.
A: What do you think?
M: About what?
A: Her changes.
M: I don’t know, really. I guess it happens.
A: Yeah. I mean, you changed, too. For me right, people have been telling me to cut my hair. And I’ve been wondering if if my long hair goes well with a goatee.
M: Changes, huh?
A: While some prefer the old you, there are also those who like the new you, you see.
M: Well, that’s true enough.

They say times change. Do times change? Or should I rephrase it as ‘tme changes’. Time changes people. Time changes ideals. Time changes life. Time is is constantly changing. 0338 hrs, 4th September 2005 happens only for that short moment. 60 seconds later it’s already 0339 hrs. My my, a constant change.

Perhaps its the one proof that the only thing that’s ever constant is change.

It’s a pointless and unending dilemma should one ask “Why do people change?” or “Why do times change?”. It’s practically the same as asking “Why change?”. I’m not too interested to discuss why people change, nor do I expect any input on that matter. What tugs my brain at the moment is the phenomena of change itself. How it happens, its rate, and reactions to it.

Say you face your colleagues with a new haircut, you get reaction ranging from indifference, to squeals of delight, to cheapened compliments. How do YOU react to these reactions? Of course, a hairdo is a speck of dust in comparison to the number of changes that could ever occur. But honestly, how DO you react to change?

Sure, if things around you change, you work your way to adapt to it so you can pull through. But when the change is you, how do you go on with it? The reactions you get from the change, that is. Keep in mind that the change is done, and not something proposed. It’s the case of “Hey, I dyed my hair a laser green!”, and not of “I think my hair would look super in laser green!”.

A very subjective question, I know. There can never be a single definite answer for something that covers such a broad angle.

Surely, you’re thinking what is it that I’m trying to tell you. What’s the crux that I’m trying to deliver. What mesage I’m trying to send across. Don’t hold your breath, please. I’m not here to illustrate a certain point. I have nothing to prove. Of course, when it comes to my kind of contemplative moments, the ideals are usually self-centered.

People have said that I changed [yes, yes, I know I'm growing sideways, STFU already], when I didn’t even realise so. Do you conciously make the effort to change? Did you change for a reason? Is the reason still there? Will you change further for that purpose? Oh, I’m not the one you should give those answers to.

The things you’re able to do, the things you want to do, the things you should do. You’re the one who knows them best.