The Silent Room

Once in a while, I’d like to be able to accomplish the things I said I would. I don’t know what’s holding me back from doing the things I should do. This laziness will be the death of me. Nothing fears me more than to lose because I didn’t even try. But here, now, this very moment, as I’m writing this, it’s not like I’m making any effort to change. What the point? Why am I saying all this to myself? Why do I keep reminding myself?

Why do I lack that discipline? Of all the things I have, I can’t get myself to sit down and get some work done like a proper student should! I can’t discipline myself. And that, I suppose might be the greatest hurdle I’m facing. I’m not struggling against anyone.

There is no struggle.

There isn’t supposed to be struggle in the first place. Just a few minutes ago, I had my freshly printed notes neatly bound to my files. I don’t know why I put myself in this vicious circle of laziness. Sometimes I get revelations like this, but all I would do is ponder on them for a minute or two, and when I do start to work,… the fire dies down. Like a piece of charcoal.

I get heated up for while, but unless I’m constantly heated, I wont burn a fiery blaze the way I should. I know I’m capable of burning up a great fire, but like that piece of charcoal, I can’t burn by myself. I’ll have to find someone to fan me. Someone I can show my fire to, and one who wants to see it going, and wants to see it burn stronger. Yeah, I’m weak and dependant like that.

Can’t I? I never pretended to be strong. Being strong I only what I wanted to be, and lending strength is what I like to do, given the chance, weak as I am. With what I have, I can only stand and look forward. I need you to show me where to look, and where to go. I need you to climb that ladder, so I can follow your lead.

You don’t have to pull me up. I just need you to go higher so I can chase you. That way, there will be some struggle that’s worthwhile.