I was just Googling around for my name and I found this. Haha.

Why can’t I do anything to help?

How am I supposed to be in peace to see that kind of suffering? So near, yet so far?

I want to make things easier.

But my hands are somehwat taintful, and at times, dangerous.

Something has got to give for something else, I guess.

This sucks.

I was driving home from Cyberjaya today and decided to escape the RM1.60 toll through the Kajang SiLK highway. As I made a turn at the traffic light into Balakong, my handphone rang and I picked up to answer it, while continuing to make my way. After I was done with the call, I stopped for another traffic light to get past Mines.

A short moment later, an indian biker with a green fluorescent vest, black pants with this pale yellow strip and big black shiny boots tapped my window and signalled me to pull over. He went ahead, and behind the vest I was greeted with a surprise.

Police. The logo was on his bike, in front and at the back of his vest.

Greaaaaaaaaat. What choice did I have? After the traffic light, I pulled over, took out my wallet and rolled down my window.

Police: Di simpang jalan dari UPM masuk ke Balakong awak memandu sambil bercakap di telefon bimbit. Itu dah menjadi satu kesalahan.
[At the intersection from UPM into Balakong you were driving while talking on your handphone. That is an offense]
Me: Ok. [note: I'm too lazy to argue]
P: Jadi saya kena tulis satu surat saman untuk awak *walks off to get his ticket book*
[Therefore I have to issue you a summons ticket]
Me: Berapa samannya?
[How much is the fine?]
P: Asasnya RM 300, tapi awak boleh rayu la, jadi RM 100 ke
[Basically its RM 300, but you may appeal, and maybe get only RM 100]
Me: Tiga ratus!?
[Three hundred!?]
P: Mintak lesen dengan IC, ya. Belajar ke kerja?
[Can I have your license and IC, please. Studying or working?]
Me: Belajar. Ni baru balik uni
[Studying. I just got back from university]
P: Ooh.. habisla angpow awak ye?
[Oh.. there goes your angpow money, huh?]
Me: *sniggers because it’s a humourless joke*

Just when I thought of using the freedom cheque, I was given a surprise gesture by this man. I’d like to ‘feed’ him, but I just can’t take the gamble. If he’s a true officer, I might get myself screwed over for attempting bribery and shit.

P: Tak nak mintak tolong ke?
[Don't you want to ask for help?]
Me: Boleh tolong ke?
[Is help possible?]
P: Boleh, tapi awak kena mintak tolong la. Tak mintak saya tak boleh tolong.
[Sure, but you have to ask for it. Otherwise, I can't help you.]
Me: Ok, kalau macam saya nak jugak mintak tolong
[Ok, then I'd like to ask for your help]
P: Mintak je? Takde tawaran ke?,
[That's all? Nothing to offer?]
Me: Ah, apa yang boleh saya tawarkan?
[Ah, what can I offer you then?]

(note: it’s so much fun to play the innocent ignorant)

P: Nak belanja saya minum ke, makan ke, suka hati lah
[Well, you can buy me a drink or a meal, up to you lah]

Bullseye.

Me: Ok, boleh jugak. Berapa agaknya?
[Ok, that can do. How much do you think?]
P: Oh, itu saya tak minat nak cakap. Berapa awak boleh kasi?
[Oh, I'm not keen to say that. How much can you give?]

At that point, I’m sure RM30 will do, but after peering into my wallet, I only had one RM10 note aside the other bigger and smaller notes. Damn. Ten doesn’t cut it, I’m sure, but I can’t possibly ask for change! With a heavy heart, I decided on a single note.

Me: Lima puluh cukup la kot.
[Fifty should be enough, right.]
P: Hmm, okaylah. Nah, letak bawah buku. Nanti orang nampak awak pun susah, saya pun susah.
[Hm, okay. Here, put it under the (ticket) book. If anyone saw we'd both be in trouble.]

So, I slipped that RM 50 note under the ticket book and handed it back to him.

P: Lain kali, bawak baik baik ya?
[Drive safely next time, okay?]

With that, he lowered his helmet visor and sped off. Mesra. Cepat. Tapi tak berapa betul.

I have never felt so insulted in my life.

After a few months spending university life living with my parents, I’m not exactly pleased with a few things. Simply put, I’m not too fond of having people breathing down my neck.

Seeing how my other siblings, including my sister, who spent her days at MMU in the hostels, lived away from home during their academic years, I wish to do the same, for reasons you would know, if you were in the same bandwidth as me.

Well, I wasn’t at all surprised to hear him shoot down the idea the moment I mouthed it to him. And he came up with his reasons. One, two, three, four… and I walked away, unable to bear the thought of listening to the fifth one.

After a shower, and ready for dinner, I was hoping to hear a closing speech with an apology from him. Which would signal the end of the discussion, and things would go back to normal. But I turned around, only to be handed a cheque worth RM200 made payable to me.

“It seems you’re low on pocket money. That’s okay. Here’s some money for your monthly spending.”

I just placed that cheque back on the table and walked off with;

“If you’re trying to impress me, you’re not. Think about who you’re trying to convince.”

No more words from me after that in the fear that we’d break out in fury.

I’ve never felt so insulted my whole life. RM200 for my freedom of choice? For keeping me with you so you can grab me whenever you want? What am I, a person for rent? I LOVE YOU, GODDAMIT! I’D DIE FOR YOU, AND YOU’RE PAYING ME RM200 MONTHLY TO DO THAT?

I don’t want to sponge off people. I want to have pride in what I do. I’m already experiencing a flow of cash of my own. I want to deal with it as you deal with yours. I want to live my life as you did yours.

You can keep that RM200 for your retirement days.

****

After calming down, I realised that we’re both proud men and I’m sorry that you’re ignorant about me and I’m clamming up like this. It’s not like you read this but hell, I love you and the last thing I want is to not be able to apologise and tell you I love you should I lose the chance.

I’m sorry I hurt you, and I’m sure you regret saying and/or doing the things you did, and I love you.

I’ve said my part. Heard hers. No harsh feelings. Just sad ones. The short walk together was heavenly, and it’s time to part ways and go on our own paths, until they cross again. It was all whispers in the end.

Me: There’s nothing left to say, is there?
She: I’m sorry.
Me: Do you have to?
She: For now.
Me: *nods*
She: You know right, we can’t be like this anymore?
Me: So let me enjoy this just a bit more.

As she gently drew her hands away from my cheeks, I planted that last kiss on hers and she returned the favour, one last time. I drew my deepest breath, and stepped away. It’s unfortunate. All I have left, is the trust I have in her. What? Do I trust her? I’ll have to.

This is Silencers wishing you a Happy and Blissful Valentine’s Day from The Silent Room.