It saddens me greatly to se her in so much pain.

Always needed, always wanted. It’s as if she’s the rope in a tug-of-war between her friends. I’m amazed at the lengths she went to try to keep her friendships together.

Mind you they’re not just any child’s play relationships, they’re often deep, emotional and unbelievably strong. So strong that if severed, it would put her in a level of torment only few have experienced. I wish I can ease her pain. But alas, I’m in no position to do so. It is, after all, her own responsibility. A big one, too, at that.

Whenever I took her hand, I wondered how many hands has she held this way. How many kisses already planted on them? No, I’m not speaking on terms of jealousy. I’m just trying to trace back on her history. Along the way, she must have went through so much mishaps. Broken hearts, injured feelings or just sheer betrayal. The remains and residue of those past events seem to have built up into a gargantuan dark mass that has become a cold, cynical part of her sanity.

I, for one, have the slightest idea of the pain. It’s magnitude must be horrendous enough to scar her that way. Crushing her fragile being, so so much that she could break apart any second.

I know that it’s best for her to tackle her problems on her own. If any more hands attempt to help, it might just conflict and add another burden. I want to avoid that. I love her too much to do so.

Love her too much?

Perhaps that’s my own issue as well. I’m afraid that I’ll lose her. I know I’m taking the greatest emotional risk in my life ever. I’ve never felt so much love from one I’m so fond of. Her warm touch, her affectionate caresses, her gentle words. Why did I ever take this crackpot plunge into the abyss?

Is it because I’m willing to gamble on the cable I’m tied to? I know all too well the consequences, should things go wrong. I know that by establishing a bond with her, I’m putting the friendship, the closeness that we built over one and a half years, and everything else on the line. Once again, I overestimated myself. I find myself in an insecure position.

This time, however, is a bit different. If things fuck up, I won’t be the only one who would get hurt. At least during the previous bets, my emotions alone were at stake. But this time, it’s completely different. She gets to bite the bullet, too, again.

“i didn’t put up a front just so that i can jaga your heart. because yes, i have warm feelings for you, and i do love you.”

“and no, i do not dislike you holding my hand, because i do. i even like hugging you.”

This has made all the difference.

“i just don’t want to lose you, and i fear i would. that was what made me so upset.”

“i couldn’t let you fret things out.. that’s why i’m here now even when i’m feeling crappy, tired and experiencing a headache. yeah, i love you that much.”

I have never been so moved by words as much hers all my life. I’d like to believe those words have changed me and my perceptions of a sincere relationship. But then again, I might be blinded by what I think I know. We made it a point to be transparent with each other, and to voice out whenever one of us felt anything was, is or going to be wrong.

We synched in the sense that we were willing to cooperate and fill in each other’s needs.

I’m sure she feels the same way, too. I trust her enough to know that she loves me sincerely. We didn’t come together because I asked her out on a date. We didn’t come together because I was looking for a partner. We didn’t come together as lonely souls seeking for a spouse. We simply started out as friends. We acknowledged and listened to each other. Respected, related and responded to each other. Not that we were agreeable all the time, but whenever we did have any disagreement it would be settled in the way that both sides can smile together again.

We trusted each other. And that trust built up into affection, and perhaps into compassion and love.

Because on my part, I DO love her. For all she has done for me. For all the things that happened between us, I never thought I would enjoy such bliss meeting a person like her. Under these circumstances, I believe she feels the same way for me, as well.

While I know not exactly what she’s going through, I do know that it hurts her, a lot. And I’m definitely not happy to see her in a crucifying pain like that. To be frank, I think she’s absolutely strong to be able to hold herself together under so much pressure. I, never have been through such a situation, often wonder what I would do under such an intense spot. I might just break my knuckles punching a goddamn wall.

So, with all that nonsense I wrote, what am I trying to say?
I love her. I want to see the person I love to be happy and content with who she is. Not who she was, or who she is not, or who she is supposed to be. I want to see her face beaming with joy from a life that doesn’t take such a serious toll on her gentle soul.

I just want her to be happy.

If I’m to do anything in that benefit, I believe it’s best that I stay out of her problems awhile for her to solve. I, too, have my own issues to attend to, which also require immediate attention. But if you’re reading this, dear, just remember that I’m here. If you have to take things into your own hands, do it. I’ll be nearby should you need anything. We promised, remember? Not to let one go through their shit all alone.

I love you.

I woke up groggily that late Sunday morning. Showered at about 10 am, and only got out of the house sometime around 11 am. Drove right to OU to join the proposed blogmeet.

Even after arriving fashionably late, it was very nice of them to welcome me into the crowd. When I joined their table outside, I immediately noticed a hand raised high up, palm in my direction. In response, I simply flashed my million-rupiah smile and held my own hand up, expecting to see a familiar face for the hand’s owner. Well, unfortunately, I didn’t really remember which held their hand up, but it was nice to able to spot Albert and Leo a.k.a Dustyhawk right away.

Quickly scanning the crowd, I quickly caught sight of Redzuan a.k.a. DJPhutureCyberSonique, Sashi, Edrei a.k.a. Kamigoroshi and of course, Andreas. And then I moved on to meet faces fresh to me.

It started with Kaz [who sat conveniently close to Sashi and Redzuan], which ended up a bit silly on my part;

Me: Hi, I’m Fazri. You are?
Kaz: Hi. [nods] Kaz.
Me: Sorry?
Kaz: Kaz.
Me: Guess? I can’t guess!
Kaz, Redzuan and Sashi: KAZ!
Me: Oh! Kaz?
Kaz: Yeah.
Me. Oh ok, sorry about that.

And then it was Jess, and the scene above repeated itself, much to the amusement of the 3 guys. The rest went pretty well, it was nice to finally meet Peter Tan, Jordan [who was 'admiring the cheesecake I was having' when I first noticed his presence], and Grace Shu, since I have read up on their blogs, but have yet to meet in person. Like Kaz and Jess, there were also bloggers whose blogs I’ve never came upon before [I'm sure this is mutual :D], but they were pretty cool once we exchanged words. David [dude, your camera pwns!], Jocelyn, Chet [she's just so adorable I feel like I could just teman her to go shopping :p], Adriene, and Marita.

There was also Renee [lovely lady, works at Zoo negara, scolded me after I told her how I fed the monkeys during my last visit], Wuan [Peter's wonderful girlfriend], Leen [Jordan's dentist wife. My orthodontic past only meant that I got along quite easily with her], and Little K [Jocelyn's daughter], who were non-bloggers at the time.

We were a rowdy crowd. After exchanging quick chats with Andreas and Edrei, I moved on to Redzuan to get a first-hand scoop on his accidentally renovated apartment. Undescribable, man. A superb cross between a sad splat and a lucky break, I tell you. Sashi, Kaz and I were clutching our stomachs by then.

Went to get myself a cream-based Caramel Frap, and chatted up Andreas again. Andreas was proudly wearing a t-shirt that has his Blogspot url printed on it.

Me: Cool stuff, man.
Andreas: I think someday someone might just come over and give me a good beating from the back after seeing this blog address.
Me: Yeah, and he might go “SO YOU’RE THE ONE WHO BLOGGED ABOUT MY POPCORN!!”

Heheh. He quickly noticed the sheer whiteness of my Frap, and asked what it was. After letting him have a sip ["I like sweet stuff, even if it IS bad for me" - Andreas], he immediately confirmed its name with me before getting one for himself [word of mouth, mwahahaha...*beams*]. He seemed to like it.

I can’t remember how it happenned but Peter beckoned me to join him and Andreas for a quick chat. Exchanged backgrounds and ideas with both men, it was a great experience. Renee then joined us. The funny shit was, Andreas and I were seated, while Renee was cheerfully talking with me while standing up. Suddenly, Andreas got up, and pulled a chair for her. Chet gave me a little scolding for not getting Renee a chair earlier, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for my silliness at the time.

I can’t remember who pointed it out, but we realised that Andreas accidentally took a pair of chairs from Nando’s next door into our messy crowd at Starbucks! We’re sorry, Mr. Nando!

Andreas and I continued to brainwash Renee so she would start a blog, and Andreas made the killer move by handing out his business cards, and wrote Petaling Street’s url behind Renee’s copy. Did I mention that we also managed to convince David to ping PPS? Hahaha, I’ve never felt so proud to be a blogger.

Meanwhile, Albert was there to entertain the crowd with his kubes, and a little bit later, Dusty and I got ourselves into another Flashing Duel. Simply put, it’s how two sibling cameras [Canon A60 and A70] see who flashes more efficiently. The winner gets to snap the loser’s image, and the loser gets a white screen from the winner’s flash!

Quite a few of us decided to retire early, and the rest of us split into two groups. One group went to one place, and the rest of us [Me, Albert, Edrei, Dusty, Andreas, Jordan, Leen and Sashi] went to Arena foodcourt. Dusty and I spotted a Japanese food stall, and we saw…

RAMEN.

We both went into an OMFG-WTF-I-MUST-HAVE-THAT-RAMEN-CAUSE-I-SELDOM-GET-TO-GO-TO-FUNKY-PLACES-SUCH-AS-THIS frenzy for while before we recollected ourselves to get some seats. Edrei decided to have the same ramen with us. We instantly felt like a bunch of yuppy Narutards [a term coined for Naruto fans] enjoying a bowl of ramen. It was good, seriously. It had deep fried chicken cutlets, a tiger prawn and some veggies [I specifically said NO TAUGEH, mwahahah!!]. They even gave us a cup of green tea for free, not that I liked green tea, though.

Me: Is it true that green tea is an acquired taste?
Jordan and Sashi: [nods]
Sashi: But I don’t like green tea. [grins]
Jordan: Me neither. [grins wider]
Me: It figures -_-

Really, it was a whole lot better than Mr. Ramen, which served a less-than-impressive tasting bowl of ramen to me last time I went there. The only thing to complain about Arena’s ramen, is that they don’t give spoons, so we drank the uber tasty miso [Japanese soup] right from the bowl. That was SO satisfying.

And then, we parted ways, leaving only me, Albert, Dusty and Edrei. Went over to Toys R Us to get a birthday gift for someone [hehehe]. I was browsing around when I came to the Gundams section. I was pleasantly surprised to see figures from Gundam SEED Destiny [Sword Silhouette Impulse, Blaster Impulse, Rey's Zaku Phantom and Luna's Zaku Warrior]. But I was more captivated upon sight of nice big box that says:

FREEDOM GUNDAM: METEOR UNIT 01

If it wasn’t for the scary 3-digit price tag, I would’ve bought it for myself. For that slice of time, I had flashbacks of how cool Freedom was in the days of SEED, lol. But then again, I went to the original plan and got the gift. There was a minor confusion and delay on our way out of OU, but it turned out fine.

Sent Albert and Dusty over to Bangsar Putra Station and drove Ed home to Melawati [poor guy had a terrible day] and went on home.

The drive home wasn’t too pleasant as the sky was cloudless and the sun was beaming its heat rays right into my face and upper body, making driving very uncomfortable ["Buat pertama kali, air-cond Proton tidak memadai" - Albert] and I was sweating, even with air-conditioners at maximum. Reached home around 5, and went straight to have a cold shower. Home is where the PC -I mean, heart- is.

It was a very nice way to pass the Sunday by. Thanks for coming and hope to see and hear more from you!

More stories here:
Andreas’ - Bloggers Meeting In Starbucks
Jordan’s - Invasion Of The Bloggers!
Chet’s - What A Day
Dave Yoong’s - Persatuan Persaudaraan Bloggers
Edrei’s - Gathering After The Darkest Night
Leo’s - 1Utama Bloggathering
Peter’s - When Bloggers Meet

I’ve been trying to LimeWire these songs but I just can’t get them:

Gundam SEED - Fly Freedom
Gundam SEED Destiny [?] - Fly Freedom [piano]
A song played in SEED when the final battle at Yakin Due began.

I know these aren’t much, but if you do have these please please let me know!

The only part I disagree about this song is abt the rain and the sun. I believe it’s completely otherwise, because I prefer the cool rain over the burning sun. Heh.

If receiving a million bucks makes you a happy person, it must mean that a million bucks is simply something really wonderful, no?

In regards to previous entries, I never knew what it was like to feel like a million bucks. As I was relishing the afterglow, I came to understand that feeling like a million bucks is un-fucking-believeably awesome.

I have been conversing in vague lines and with hidden truths, not yet ready to unveil what’s really in my mind. But not back then. That moment was special. It’s one I can never forget for the rest of my life. It was the moment when I shrugged a gargantuan burden off my shoulders. Tales told with no twists, truths all uncovered.

HOLY SHIT THAT FELT GOOD.

And it was such a nice moment too. The sky was dark. The air was cool. And it rained. [If you don't like the rain, go screw yourself over. Rain is a blessing from the heavens, and there's no other type of weather that's perfect for a hot drink than a cold rainy night. I love the rain. HAH.]

My voice was voice trembling. I stuttered. I lost my cool. I felt weak and fragile. My words were splattered all over the place but thankfully, I got the message across. But the grip was firm, yet the caress was tender. The warmth lightened my heart. It is done.

And it seems like it didn’t hit a brick wall. As much as I didn’t mean for it to happen when it all began, I’m glad. In fact, I was more than glad. I thought I could just prostrate to Him there and then for bestowing me such a divine gift. I have promised myself back then. And I will hold on to it. At least, I will try my best. I’m still scared, still unsure, but I know I can go through it. Why? Because I just know.

God. I love her. So, please let me.