I love the cinema. Especially on Wednesdays because they’re cheaper on Wednesdays and that they sell Chachos, so I can buy them from the anchor supermarket downstairs with some mineral water instead of old the boring popcorn. I heard the Chacos go EXTREMELY well with some mayonnaise, is that true? If it is, I might sneak a few of those small Mayo packs you can buy for RM 1 each. Heheh, that’ll have to wait for another Wednesday.

Anyway, today I went to catch the show everyone has been talking about: Alexander.

I did a bit of homework, learnt that the dude really did die of poisoning and that he was a bisexual. Also from a encyclopedia I remember reading when I first learnt of the Great One, when he died in his 30s he was said to have looked like a man in his late 70s due to his war-waging years.

The movie, well, the movie was…how do I say this…rather…dissapointing.

Here’s why. The director sure paid Mr. Hopkins a lot of money to narrate the story of Alexander. So much, that it seems like the whole movie was a boring lecture in Ancient History with a few short clips merely featuring a gay Alexander. I’m dissapointed because the movie portrayed Alexander as more gay than he is Bi. Well, I don’t know enough history to know whether or not he actually IS gay, but if I was an airhead with no freaking idea who this dude Alexander is before the goddamn movie,…

…I’d seriously do a Cartman’s ‘Dude, he’s a fucking homo!’.

To be completely frank with you, I don’t mind gay people. But please la, I’m sure Alexander appreciates women much than he is shown as.

Okay, enough about his sexuality, I’d rather discuss the movie than put myself at the mercy of angry bapoks at Melaka town. So, you see, Mr. Hopkin was like narrating the story of Alexander to his scribe, who effeciently takes down every fucking word he spits out. If his voice was running in the background that’s perfectly fine. But damn, I’m not a movie director so maybe that’s some new shit in the cinematography art that I know nothiing of. Still, the fact that he gets a lot of screen time, and that the time skips were a bit TOO long.

Guh. It’s like, first, he conquered this city, then as the old geezer talks, it appeared as though he magically pwned 3 more. At least show some fighting scenes even if its just a few seconds just to show that they actually fought a few goddamn wars! And then he was all ready to siege India, wtf?

“They fought the barbarians”

They only time I get to see barbarians are when they showed dead ones, post-conflict. Seriously, I feel that Alexander has got to have the worst flow a movie could ever have.

HOWEVER

This doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy Alexander. Sure, it’s a magnificent story horribly told, but it’s still a fucking amazing story. A tale of a man who reached beyond the limits, who went that extra few hundred thousand miles to conquer that glory that he always spoke and dreamed of.

There’s a reason why I enjoy movies. It’s because I believe every movie has an angle in which it excels at. Some movies are so good, it excels at all angles. But let’s focus on Alexander. I was under the impression that Alexander would be another Troy, or Gladiator. It turns out I wasn’t too far off target.

Movies of ancient civilisations going to war never fail to please me. Simply because it showcases men who stood out in the burning sun by the thousands, ready to fight for loyalty and glory. They don’t hide in caves, they don’t send snipers. These men, the thousands of them, mobilizing, the war cries, the clash of metal, the ripping and slice of flesh are the few elements that make ancient wars so enjoyable to watch.

But there are several things that differentiate wars in between Alexander and the other like Troy and Gladiator. In Troy, the king stays behind the massive numbers of his army. Caesar pretty much did the same in Gladiator.

The Great Alexander, however, steps forward and shows his men the way. Greatest of kings, he lead the charge forward on his proud steed with a willpower that may well crush mountains. Well, not really, since he got owned by an elephant, heheh.

Still, Alexander was indeed no less than all the legend that he is known for. I must congratulate Mr. Farrell [sp?] on doing such a splendid job. Oh, and the best part of the movie? Angelina Jolie.

Mother to the Legend, she is as charismatic as she is sexy. She has a wicked and invincible love for her son. Nomatter how many times she was called a crazed woman, or treated badly for insulting his father, she loved Alexander with all her heart and her love never diminishes no matter how many years she has been separated from him. Seriously, if anyone asked me which is my favourite character in the movie, I’ll say it’s Alex’s mom. Proof of a maternal love powerful and strong as the diamonds that she wore.

Moment of the show?
When Alexander was giving a pep-talk to his men prior to the Babylon siege. Shows how personal, how close he is to his people. Micro-management, man. Micro-management.

With a good mix of good stuff, and fuck-ups, this has to be the weirdest movie I’ve seen. So much for ending 2004 with a good show, heheheh. I really wish I could catch Tom Hanks in The Terminal last time, oh well, too bad I guess.