The Silent Room

Some dreams must stay a dream. Especially when it comes to relationships.

I spent a lot of time day-dreaming about the things I would do for a significant other. It just happens and I can’t help it. In the end, I only realized that I was being foolish to be so mushy-mushy when in fact I’m such a helpless person in these issues.

I read her blog today. The one who hurt me. Twice she set me aside. It’s just sad. She never expected me to act the way I did around her. On my part, I get too excited whenever it comes to her. Yuki no Tenshi. That’s what she is.

The entire scenario was my own fault. The first time, it was me simply digging my own grave. The second one, I laid myself down in it, and have her bury me.

The epitaph would read “Born 1985. Died 2005. Buried 2004.”

After reading her blog, and recalling previous conversatins, I discovered the reason why I shouldn’t feel so bad. Why I shouldn’t moan, bitch and groan over that failure. It dawned on me just so suddenly that I can’t help but write it down here.

I can’t keep up with her. Never could. Never would.

She intimidates me. Her intellect. Her beauty. Her charm. Her warmth. Her energy. It’s like looking at the sun. You awe upon its beauty, yet when you try to look, it hurt your eyes, and you have to turn away. The only time you get to gaze on it is when it sets. Only for a while, and then it dissapears.

I had to admit, the first thing that caught my attention about her was her smile. Her uber wonderful smile. It’s one that I’ve always been looking for. But as I learnt more and more, and I liked her more.

But then again, I misjudged myself. I always find myself trying to sound smart, seasoned and wise whenever I talk to her, only to end up making a fool of myself, always babbling things. I tried so hard to impress her. The harder I tried the further away I felt from her. It hurt whenever I thought abt that.

I love her. Or do I?

I do care for her, though. Even after what she did to me. I still want to know her. Her presence was a meaningful one in my life. Apparently, it’s not the same for her. And that saddens me very much. I want to cry whenever I think about it. I really do. But I just can’t. It seems like I’ve lost the ability to shed tears for myself anymore. The best I could do was cold silence and a glum face.

She’s so…perfect. So,..desirable. So,…untouchable. Yeah, Yuki no Tenshi, indeed.

But I don’t deserve her. Her attributes exceed mine. She’s ahead of me by such a huge margin. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. She’s a better person than I am. But that’s not all. I was never there. I was never part of her life. I didn’t even spend any real time with her.

“Yes, I have thought of avoiding you.”
“You came on too strong.”

Those were her words. Honest and cold.

At first I was only another colleague. And them I was only another bunch of letters on her monitor. Only words. There never was any in-person contact. There never was any warmth of friendship. There never was…me.

The Silent One. That’s what I am to her. Cold, mute words that reach her only through the magic of the internet. I didn’t have have the courage to call her up. We didn’t even speak. She wouldn’t even let me hear her voice. Her beautiful voice.

Or at least, I was the one who wouldn’t let her say anything to me. Yet, whenever I get the chance to speak to her, I’d end up not knowing what to say. Because I knew next to nothing about her. Nothing, nothing at all. Absofuckinglutely nothing. I hate that.

Now, she has put me aside forever. There’s no way she would open up her heart to me. I shut those doors on myself.

It’s painful to not have anyone to listen to this story whenever I feel like telling it. Even if one did, it would only lead to rolled eyeballs and groans.

The Silent One. That’s who I am. I hide my pain. I display my strength. I proudly act cool. Foolishly wearing different masks so that others may accept me. It was a lesson learnt in pain, but I am the Silent One no more.

Silent One died upon hearing the words “Yes, I have thought of avoiding you.” It murdered him. He was a nice guy to be. He’s always humble, always reserved, always wise. The only thing was, he was never honest about himself. No, he told no lies. But he was hella good when it comes to hiding the truth.

With all that pain and torment, why, you ask, do I still bother to read her blog? Why constantly remind yourself of the pain she gave you? The false hope she offered to you? The fact that she tore you apart, twice?

Honestly, I don’t know the answer to that question. I have no real objective on why I did so. It just…happened.

I love her. Or do I?